I’m taking stock of last year in two posts, both image heavy, in an attempt to reconcile what I was and what I am. I used to believe you had to travel in a clear direction; what now makes me feel markedly adult is the understanding that life is an unpredictable series of loops and intersections where the import lies not in where you go but who you are and how you behave. Photos of myself to take stock of something more meaningful may seem narcissistic, misguided, insincere… at least these are the terms I’ve previously and judgmentally attributed to others’ posts of the same nature. But I’ve always “documented” things to remember them – no matter how recent the event if I have no proof of it I will lose the emotions, the lessons in my mind’s abyss. These photos force the issue and I am grateful.
“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.” – C.S. Lewis
This post grew from what’s become a reliably regular impulse to share an image from “home”: from California, from warmer weather, from longer hair, lighter hair, another lifetime that I’ve convinced myself was the perfect one. The caption was going to be “FIENDING” and that was the end of the story.
I’m instead sharing these all because they remind me that hindsight is 20/20 and one of my decisions for this year is to relax about the details. My cousin described this goal as “improving our aggression”, meaning to stand up for ourselves, say what we really mean, and just generally trust our guts without second guessing.
You’ll notice my hair going through about 100 iterations. That inconsistency and my opinions on which look least embarrassing are part of why I never posted these photos. I historically grow bored and love to change my look but this specific chop&color was grief inspired. I think such things can be very important parts of the grieving process so I don’t regret them but I do look back on this mini representation of my mental state the past two years and cling to its reminder of the abundance of life, even in our darkest hours.
My best friend prompted this blog to even exist but I’ve wavered, not knowing “who” I want to be or how to present myself. When loooking back – way back, 10-15 years back – I love all the seemingly stupid livejournal and tumblr posts where I thought what I was doing was purposeless but that I can now see fit the same silly phrase I’ve always thrown around as an excuse: documenting. Upon every reflection I regret the gaps and wish I had stuck with the process, so this post is to hold myself accountable for all of the times I threw myself away and to set a new standard for this year.