Today is my due date and I am in a tizzy so instead, two weeks into the year, I am finally writing down my decisions (not “goals”). Labeling them as such induces a bit of frenzy in me because I know I’ll feel guilty when I don’t complete them but it also encourages me to try harder because it frames them as a done deal. Let’s hope!
Two years ago, all the resolution chatter made my head spin. I oscillated between resentful anger at the implied judgment of not trying hard enough myself, and feelings of complete exhaustion at the loss-filled hoops I had not only just experienced but was still being put through as seemingly everyone else transitioned into a new phase. One year ago the resolution chatter was peacefully ignored as I could clearly survey what I had been through and see that I needed time to let myself heal.
This year, though by no estimation simpler or happier than previous years, I could see even more clearly what I wanted and what would be needed to get there. I had a lot of down time (read: forced immobility) to consider what I want and what’s important to me. It’s a slow process sometimes and I don’t recommend procrastinating for the sake of it, but there is a strength in repeated exposure to trying times: you become immune to the superfluous and singularly focused on the revelation of your priorities.
Now I am in a place of wanting to and being capable of deliberately moving forward. Along with making decisions rather than goals I believe that to be truly effective we need to be realistic about our priorities and abilities. Some rules I am abiding by as I draft these decisions are to:
- Separate by things that sound good and things that I actually want to achieve
- Separate by timing: let myself have sufficient time to create a habit and get into the swing of it before I layer on additional plans that I will inevitably fail to reach
- Be realistic about what I can do in the context of all other priorities and responsibilities.
With that foundational framework, I allowed myself to exist within this season without a major rush to start accomplishing in order to enjoy our final weeks as just a couple. My husband’s law school went until Christmas followed by a very expected bout of worked-himself-to-the-bone-illness, so this recent little chunk of health and freetime has been restorative and absolutely essential.
Finally sitting here making the list I am stirred to add more and more decisions: be more vocal, get dressed even when I don’t feel like it, judge less, care more, et cetera kinds of things that are on most people’s lists. But those are things that occur to me a million times a day when I fail myself in the moment whereas the below list is full of things that I constantly want but allow myself to forget for prolonged periods of time, thus disappointing myself and reducing growth. So while my list is not technically complete, I believe it is reflective of my current needs, priorities, and capabilities. My decisions are to:
- *Write for 15 minutes a day 3 times a week. It can be a blog post, a diary entry, a manifesto, an iPhone note, a rant to keep me from popping off at every rude person on the streets of NYC. Doesn’t matter so long as it’s pen to paper for 900 seconds.
- Read more. This is a revisit of an old goal but modified to be realistic within my world as this year I am only aiming for one book a month. Kyle’s and my time was unexpectedly swallowed by health and other crises this past year so I was not motivated to choose solo reading over spending time with him. In continued consideration of our precious time and recognition of the fact that I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY – WHAT EVEN?! – I am setting my sights on lower hanging fruit.
- Find a way to work serving others into my regular life. This can take the form of even just a once monthly activity, in person or online, I’m not really sure at this point. But by Fall I want to have worked this into our routine.
- Figure out how to pitch a children’s book by end of summer
- *Make weekly progress towards my boutique hotel development goal
- *Create design plans at least once monthly (I would prefer much more often but, again, I am focused on being realistic. It is more encouraging to know I can easily outperform than to constantly experience the guilt of underperformance.)
- As soon as I am medically cleared, swim at least once weekly
- Make a game plan for my literacy website idea. This is to include what needs to be done, time frames, and necessary partners/team members.
- Post more, care less. I intend this as a metaphor for all of life, meaning to put myself out there without so much fretting and dilly-dallying – in ALL situations.
Rules:
- Accountability for starred goals to begin as soon as my mom leaves NYC post-baby
- I am allowed two swap-outs a week for something productive but mindless, like unsubscribing, clearing emails, finishing paperwork, etc., so long as it fits this category and takes up the same amount of time as the original decision
In deference to that final decision here are the rest of my unposted photos from 2018, this batch all post-NYC move and mid-pregnancy which is part of why I didn’t care to share them sooner but CHE SERA!
